I think that the crux of why I am pursuing a dream, specifically a dream in learning so much more about the God I have seemingly been disappointed in – is because something in me has refused to accept the reality around me. Something in me has tasted and seen so much more in a way that words can’t quite articulate – but I want to find these words. I want to learn how to use them in ways that can add meaning and value to my doubt and confusion. What I have realized through this process during these last few months, has been something quite ironic. Despite myself and my criticism– hope has always won. It has masqueraded itself as though it was disappointment, as though it was logic. However – can you imagine fighting so long against those things? It’s been exhausting and I have discovered that this whole time (to have continued fighting this long) I have, in actual fact been fighting for something. I have been fighting for hope. Hope emerged all the while I have been fighting something, fighting against this God that has hurt so many, fighting against Christians who have hurt so many (myself included, I must heartbreakingly admit) and it hurt me more, BUT, hope still won – and not because of me.
I want to thank everyone for the hope you have helped me fight for. The hype of this will fade of course, but the truth of God seeing me and hearing my cries, the same God who prompted and moved hearts to message me, hug me, come to an event of mine, donate clothes to me, help me organize an event, host an event, cry with me, donate actual money to me, this same God has used community far and wide to heal wounds, reveal truth and remind me of the crazy, adventurous life I can lead.
I am immensely grateful that this journey has also been public – because “you would not believe it even if you were told” (Habakkuk 1:5). I had to witness it alongside you, even still, I don’t believe it most days.
Now for some practical business. I officially only need R 55 000 left to cover my tuition costs. No – I have not got money for a Visa and flights – but, God. So end of that story. It will all be okay! My plan here is to sell my car and to continue selling my clothes and other belongings. I have surety with the University so I am in and my contract is still being signed. The wonderfully scary bottom line is this – I am going! WHAT! I know that God has got me so whatever that might look like (a glorious tax refund or an amazing job) – He’s got me.
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